Thursday, May 22, 2008

Marriage - My take on what makes it tick


On my way back home yesterday there was this girl sitting next to me who was talking to a friend on the phone. From the single sided conversation I could hear i deciphered it was a guy and that the 'girl hunting' was on for him for marriage. And
this girl was giving him tips about what to ask and how to be on the phone with her.

Some of the tips went like this:

Hey! just be yourself na. You dont have to sound very funny - because you are a serious guy.
You dont have to tell her about your education qualification. All that would already been told. Just tell her you enjoy your work on Java/J2EE.
Dont bother about things like what her fav colour is - so what if its peach and urs is black. How does it matter? etc etc..

And I thought - what matters? An age old question, I know, for all those who get into arranged marriage. And everytime a topic like this comes up Im told that Im lucky I had a love marriage and didnt have to go thru the 'girl seeing' sessions.

That since I knew hubby for more than 7 years before we tied the knot it was easy for me... Well, yes. I knew him - he'd been my friend for 7 years before we got married. But I say this to everyone - no matter what kind of marriage it might be, its new and needs adjustments.(Hmm, wont digress here- will keep it for a different post)

So on that thought here's what I felt really matters - what ever the marriage: (Maybe ask at the 'first meeting?')

1.Compatibility - yeah yeah i know - so you ask - whats new? When you know the person you are getting married to - you know the 2 of you 'get along' well. Isnt it the same as knowing both of you like the same things? Might not be the same fav color or same fav sweet(Oh! pleeaasse!how boring!). But more general things - like both like music (again might not be the same genre'), like travelling or maybe food.Something you can find out from the person you meet for the first time.. isnt it?

2. Envision the same kind of future - What if he/she wants to settle abroad but the other person wants to live in the same city as the parents to take care of them? What if one wants to buy a house and save and the other doesnt care about saving and wants to travel the world? (should I put this under compatibility?) If one looks forward to both working until retirement and the other wants to stop working in just a couple of years? Major life changing decisions...

3. Respect for the other person - Accept that the other person might be right, can correct you when you go wrong and accept it - even if the Ego doesnt permit (it doesnt - more often than not :-D) Respect the other person's needs/opinions/decisions even when you might not agree to it? The person's ideas 'click' and sound true - The very first time?

4. Willingness to Compromise - Am not just saying compromise - everyone does in marriage. But are you ready to compromise for THAT person? I wouldnt compromise on a LOT of things for others, the amount I do for hubby - and do it willingly. And there
are times that at the very first instant of meeting a person I put up my barriers and think - no way! Am not even listening to this person - under those circumstances who would think of adjustments and compromises?? Attribute it to - First impressions?

5.Finally - Good Looks? - Am putting this last - for me, looks being transient, as long as one does not feel embarrassed to walk beside your partner or introduce to friends - and like the person for who he/she is - is sufficient. If you do end up getting
hitched to a Miss World or a George Clooney clone - then wow!! I would just say its pure luck!! :-p

Hmmm, cant think of anything more at present. Any more inputs from those who've gone through/going through 'girl-see-boy' routine?

Listening to 'Kabhi Kabhi' right now.
'... tujhe zameen pe bulaya gaya hai mere liye...'
How apt...

2 comments:

  1. The problem is that most the points mentioned by you are soft points (ego, respect for the spouse, willingness to compromise) and cannot be judged or asked in the few meetings which parents allow. Try telling ur parents that I want to meet the guy one more time to check out his ego!!!

    Secondly, everyone is going to showcase their best behaviour in these meetings. The person might not be so good in day-to-day life. Most of the times, ppl find it out after the marriage is fixed.

    Some points are not worth compromising (settle in a particular city / country, veg or non-veg, working or non working). Still, most girls are not given an option of declining the alliance based on such pretexts.

    Unfortunately, these issues happen even in love marriages, albeit a little less common. And that time, the disappointed party has to use the word suicide instead of murder.

    Still, girl-seeing episodes sound like fun... Alas!!! my chance is gone ;-) And yes, i still feel, we are lucky.

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  2. I agree with Nikhil. How does one know if one is compatible with their would be spouse after couple of meetings. Agreed, if the first time I meet a guy, i decide i dont like him, I can say No... but otherwise?
    And yes we do put our best foot forward when we are "hunting".

    In a case like yours, with 7 years of freindship, I am sure you would have gotten to know each other well..
    But there are cases of marriage after a few months of "Love". Then the expectation is sky high on both sides and eventually end up in disappointment.

    Neways Humans!!... unpredictable creatures.. we say something and they always end up proving the opposite true ... :-)

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